This will kinda coincide with my last topic a bit. It will show a small side of the selfishness of a male. But hey, like I always say in my other posts.....this is my blog, so I'm going to write about what is going on in our search and how I feel about it. After all, it is my blog. This is a small little place for me to just entertain thoughts, express myself and or just say what I think.
So, in our very young search for our beloved second or long sought after second soul mate. I have discovered that there are somethings that really, really just annoy the hell out of me. (Excuse me for the strong wording, but these are things I feel strongly about.) I know some of what I am going to write about are things that I will have to learn to adjust to, adapt to and or be open to change with moving into a Polygamous relationship.....I'm understand that I will grow and change and that is a good thing.
But hey, I can find them annoying right? I am 38 years old, have been living my life the way that it is for just as long. I have been married for going on 20 wonderful years, we have done things the way we have for just as long. Changing and growing takes some time, I'm on that journey. Now onto the pet peeves......................
1. Women or in some cases girls... (Named so due to their maturity, not speaking of age here...often maturity and age don't necessarily have anything to do with one another. I'm not discriminating against young or old. Don't get me wrong.) So as I was saying, women or girls that think that because I have had 20 years together with my wife that they are owed something more coming into the relationship. Almost as if because I have already had a life and relationship with my wife, so they think she can be pushed aside so that she can have what we had in the past.......that is not going to happen!!!! Our lives will pick up on the day and time when she joins us. The life that we have will develop from there and it will encompass the 3 of us. Yes, there will be times that we get to know one another on a personal basis, but also she and my wife will have equally as much time to get to know one another. I just do not get where they are coming from thinking that I am to push aside my wife.......if this is how most single women are thinking when joining an established family then I am willing to wait for that one special person that can see it the way I do................
2. I hate when reading someones profile when doing the online dating thing that they leave out the important little tidbits or add things that have no meaning to them in reality. It is like lets try to lure someone in and maybe just maybe they won't ask about this or that. Or I like this one.....they say they are looking for this or that. Then you IM with them and talking. You get into a good conversation about everything and your starting laying down the building blocks to building a friendship, with the possibility of something more down the road. Then you start talking about the things your read on their profile or get more in-depth about things you talked about earlier. All of sudden they act like they do not know what you are talking about or better yet the say that was not what they meant or what they were looking for or into...........Can I say this........Then why the hell did you say it or write it in the first place?!?!?! The last thing I am going to say about this is.....If you do not mean it, don't write it or say it! If you think it is important or it is some sort of baggage that may follow, let people know! I do not want someone to say something just because they think that is what I want to hear. That is NOT the way to build a relationship. We are being honest, we expect is looking for a lifetime commitment to be honest as well.
3. Opinions.....we all have them!! But why do some of the women seeking families like to make their opinions seem more important? I am open to listening to anyone's view. We have friends and family who are dear to us who have views other than we do. It's not a problem. I think that point of view is very important in life and especially in a relationship. But in quite a few conversations we have had with single women, there are quite a few who seem to want to squash opinions.....I do not know why, but it happens. One, do they not know how relationships work? Secondly, do they not see that it is a huge turnoff to get into stupid arguments when trying to learn about one another? People, I ask you this. Am I wrong or and I right.....opinions right or wrong should be heard, people can have different views and that is okay. The discussion of the topic happens afterwards, once both sides have said their side of it. The other killer for me with this is that I am very vocal and adamant about getting my point across whether it be right or wrong...and I am not against being proven wrong either. I want to hear the other side, but I don't want to be cut off. I don't cut their opinion or view off, so why do it to mine? But for the sake of arguing or looking like an ass and just being polite....I have allowed my opinions to be cut short. But from here on out I am not going to do this any longer. I am the male of the house hold and I am just going to get my say in, I am willing to listen to all sides. I want to be heard just as much as anyone else. I have no problem listening to your side with an open mind, I just expect that you will give me the same courtesy. If our prospective mate cannot handle it and does not like what I have to say then I guess she is not meant for us!!!! Because if she is not holding back, I sure as hell am not going to either!
4. Being patronized!!!!!!!!! OMG, I cannot stand this from some of the gals out there. I have got to get this off my chest. This will be short and sweet. We meet a gal online and email with her a couple of times. We move onto IM. Then in no time, sometimes within minutes of IM for the first time she starts using the terms Deary, honey, sweetie and oh yes.... I have even been called "future hubby of mine"! Ladies, I have no flippin clues as to who the hell you really are......... You haven't had the chance to get to know me yet. SO PLEASE, DO NOT CALL ME BY ANY ENDEARING TERMS OR PET NAMES!!! I do not find it flattering, I do not find it cute, it is not a turn on and by no means is it sexy. Also, please do not start talking about having children with me!!! One woman actually used the phrase, "when we have sex and make babies". I do NOT know you.... Do not get me wrong, I do want to have children when we meet the right person and the time is right. I can not ascertain if you are the right person in less than 5 minutes, nor can you know the same about me! The main focus of this is a relationship, a life long commitment, not just sex. So, remember you are talking about dating a family. Discussing, "when you and I have sex", right off the bat...Talk about a major HUGE turn off.....more so than the above mentioned squashing of opinions. Don't do it, don't say it and please don't think it is cute...........enough said!!!! Once we are formally dating or even married, well then that is different....but until then.....ZIP IT!!! You just sound insincere and desperate!
This will be my last one....if there are more I can make another blog post.
5. Please know what the heck you are looking for. I mean know what style of plural relationship you really, really want. There is Polygamy, which is what we want. We want to marry and commit to our future wife. We want to spend the rest of our lives together. There is Polyamory, which is similar to Polygamy without the commitment of marriage and sometime even without fidelity. Polyamory which is often a general plural relationship sometimes even without the relationship....the term that comes to mind for this is the hippie phrase "Free Love". Lastly and even more general than the last is being a swinger. I personally do not even consider this a plural relationship of any kind. But there are some out there that do. Swinging and moving from partner to partner....or wanting to have a base of people that you can go to just to fulfill your sexual interests is not anyway associated with any polygamy. At least not people living in a form of poly are interested in something more than just sex. So, please ladies....know what you truly are looking for and want when searching for your plural relationship. Like I said above. We are looking for true Polygamist relationship. We are willing, waiting, wanting and ready to devote the rest of our lives to our future sister wife. I will treat my second wife with all the respect, honor and faithfulness as I do my loving and caring first wife.
In closing this long, long, long posting. I hope I have not turned anyone off or made any enemies. I am just posting things as they come to mind. They can be things that bother me from time to time or they can be things that I hear that need attention. All the above mentioned things happen to be things that have been bugging me lately. They are things that I have allowed to happen and I end up just keeping them pent up inside of me. Now that I have this blog I have a means to letting them out and blowing off a bit of steam.
If you are a single woman reading my blog posts and most especially this one. Please take note of this one. I am sure I am not the only guy out in the Polygamy dating scene that finds some of these actions annoying or really nose turning. The biggest and most important thing to be with your search for a Polyfamily to keep yourself HONEST and OPEN. Nobody has anything to gain with hiding things. If it is in your past or in the coming future might as well let it out of the bag. The truth will come out sooner or later and there is nothing but pain and grief that follow with secrets.
I will say this before ending. My wife and I are an open book. Those are more than just words. If you ask something about us we will give you and honest to GOD answer. We have nothing to hide or withhold. When we find our Ms. Right she will know exactly who we are, what we are about and what we were/are looking for.
Okay people, I am done and I am sure you are happy to see the words.................
THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Great job articulating this, Scott. You hit the nail on the head: honesty and openness. And yes, for cryin' out loud, GO SLOW! Friends first, then fast friends, then courting, and then, and only then, discussions of marriage. That is my pet peeve--putting the cart before the horse.
ReplyDelete~D
Oh man...that was a really good post. I was nervous and laughing the whole time! lol. You are one of those guys who are funny without even knowing it. And I only know you through the internet...I wonder if you are the same way in real life...
ReplyDeleteI started getting nervous reading the "opinions" section. I think I might fall into that category. Don't worry though. All you have to do is open up and argue (in a non-fighting way) with me. Fun, huh? lol
I like this post a lot. It's good to know what bothers you and what is unacceptable. Thank God I've been honest with you via IM and my blog...and I haven't called you "baby" LOL.
Jeeze.
That is a cracking good post, and its great to see it from a mans point of view.. hey any women looking at this is going to get is straight away..
ReplyDeletelooking forward to future posts
minty.
p.s. i am not looking for plural marriage i am already in one :D
i have added you to my blog roll hope that is okay.
hahaha...I know many men who search out young 'gals' and will do EVERYTHING in their power to CHANGE them..Bible beat them until they unwilling go into submission just because they want him to SHUT UP!!I think it works both ways..It's a weird thing to a polygamist now a days :P I found online dating to be useless. People usually lie about themselves and if it is too good to be true, it usually is. I rely on Heavenly Father for guidance, or try too :)
ReplyDeleteWhat a way to see into the mind of a man though..Kind of has me wanting to do something on the annoyances of a man in a plural relationship..hahaha
All in Good humor and fun!
In Love
ChristianFundymom
ChristianFundyMom,
ReplyDeleteUnlike some plural minded or plural men, I'm not looking to brow beat some woman or Bible Thump them into submission. Nor am I looking for someone to change. That may be the case for some, but not me.
I am only writing about women that we have come across in the past. I'm not looking speaking about all women looking for a plural relationship. That is important to point out.
You can't generalize or stereotype all plural men any more than you can all plural women. I have thought about posting a topic about plural men I have pet peeves about well, I find that I run into quite a few of them who seem to be doing it for reasons that are disengenuious to their wife and women seeking plural marriage. This is something that bothers me quite a bit. I don't like getting lumped in as being the same as they are, which is one of the reasons I started my blog.
M and I both rely on God for guidance, that is important. M and I pray on a regular basis. (although we are far from Bible thumpers) We believe that God will send us the right woman at the time of his choosing. But, that doesn't mean that God can't use the internet to send us the right person, does it? People lie in regular dating as well. Often in IM you can find out more about a person than you could on several dates.
We ultimately leave it in God's hands.
Scott
Stumbled across your blog, and just had two cents to give you (I am familiar with both polygamy and polyamory). I have a husband and a wife myself.
ReplyDeleteRegarding your #1, it was my experience that when I first started "dating" my husband, I was jealous of his relationship with his wife because I admired the comfortable relationship he had with her. Our new relationship was fraught with all the giddy and overwhelming emotions that come with the territory. I worried I was expendable, especially since we were navigating new waters and he had her comfort to turn to.
Eventually I realized I had to take things slow. But NRE (New Relationship Energy) can work a person over.
Regarding #4, I think that you get what you put out there. It appears you have been straightforward that you are (were) looking for a third, a partner, a commitment, a Wife. So of course you are going to get women who respond, "So when do we get married?"
Finally, #5 offended me. I know, who cares you offended some stranger in blogland. But please hear me out. I consider myself polyamorous, not polygamous, though your family (counting your new paramour and all the kids) and my family look almost identical, and have many of the same values. We are a closed triad (polyfidelous). My family formed because we were friends who loved each other and wanted nothing else than to spend our lives together, have a family together and we all make each other happy. My hubby and wife weren't seeking a second wife to make their family complete. But I came along, and we realized we could multiply our joy by being together, so we are. That is polyamory (to me). The sex or lack of sex, the number or lack of numbers of partners, the "free love," etc., does not define polyamory. My loves and I are not looking for love - we have found it - but we are not so naive as to think we are complete now that we are three. We are complete as ones, as twos, as threes, as whatever happens to be.
You say polyamory is sometimes without relationship, but I don't understand what you mean by that. There are hundreds of definitions of poly out there, some contradicting, some requiring sex to be a component of the definition, some not. However, every definition I have found involves some sort of relationship of some kind.
Just, I ask, be careful how you judge your situation in relation to others. And don't think that just because someone doesn't define their love-style the way you do, that they aren't seeking something similar to you. And be careful about judging women who are acting straightforward towards you, because they may be following your queue.
Good luck in your new relationship!