Monday, May 25, 2009

For those who judge.......Why???

My first topic title sounds very confrontational, I know this.... BUT there is an enormous amount of people in this vast world of ours who judge everyone who does not live according to the rules or some preset mold.

Why??? Why do you judge people just because they do not live they way you do? Or the way you think they should? If you open your eyes long enough to take a good look at many of the people who are involved in Polygamy/Plural Marriage... You will find we are as normal as the rest of you. We are not religious freaks, we are not part of some crazy cult, we are not anarchists against the government or society.........We are just normal everyday people, we are no different than you or the people you see in your everyday life. We could be and many of us are PTA members, Sport Coaches, Booster Club members, Girl Scout leaders and so on. We are just everyday people who have plenty of love to share.....with more than just one spouse.

I can say for my own family, that our entrance into the world of Plural Marriage is from a love standpoint. We have lived within the culture box that we are all "SUPPOSED" to live in long enough. We have had special relationships with friends (platonic but definitely romantic) in the past, that if we had known that plural marriage was an option..... Well, I can honestly say we would have been involved plural marriage a lot sooner. (I will write more about this in a future post) For us this is not just some whim. Instead of realizing sooner that we could have made other choices, we have always lived within the box that we were "SUPPOSED" to live in. At least according to mainstream society. We were raised to think that if you had feelings for someone else that it was wrong. Let me make this clear, I have and will never cheat on my wife, she means the world to me. But If we, as a couple, choose to look for someone who we want to become a part of our marriage, a part of our family and a part of our lives...someone with whom we will make a true lifetime commitment. Well, I say this....who are you to judge?

Let me make this clear, so that you do not not misunderstand. I do not believe in force polygamy. I do not believe in bringing another person into your marriage without your spouse fully on-board. I do not believe a man should EVER pressure his wife into bringing someone else into the marriage. To do so, I believe violates the honor and commitment you made with your spouse before God on your wedding day. That said, if your wife believes in plural marriage and you find someone you both believe should be part of your family and you both feel truly called to poly/plural marriage...then that is not for anyone else to judge.

As for my use of the term "Normal". I do mean it....judge me for using it, but some of us really are no different than you....We will be labeled as "crazy, radical, non-conformists, part of some religious cults or cult followers". Guess what? We are not! My family and I are just as normal as your next door neighbor in your suburban home. We are no different than the "normal" family sitting next to you in the pew at church. Open your eyes, for all you know are the family living next door to you or sitting next to you at church. However, there is no doubt in my mind that we will be judged and labeled at some point for choosing to live our lives this way.

This is not, I repeat, this is not....I am sure those who read this will say, "yeah right".....but this is not about sex either. That is not to say that sex will not be a part of this, but it is no different than sex being a part of a loving marriage.....mono or poly. For us this is about finding another soul mate. We both feel she is out there an waiting for us to cross paths. We both anxiously await the day that we find each-other.

As to spelling out who I am and why I claim I am just like everyone else...I am a proud Veteran of the United States Military, I coached AYSO soccer coach for 8 years, an active member of the PTA who was elected and served as President of our PTA. I have always been actively involved in sports boosters and our sons sports teams. I have been an instrumental part of helping other parents find and receive sport scholarships to college for their children. I have volunteered numerous hours for our previous church. Including, but not limited to starting a physical education program and running it for quite some time for our children's previous private Christian school. I was the first person they called when something needed to be fixed or a teacher needed a hand. Even when our previous Pastor had a problem with his home that he could not take care of himself, I never hesitated to drop whatever I was doing give him a hand. This is just a handful of things that I have done.....Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying any of this to brag or boast, don't confuse my meaning. My point is that we should not be labeled and you should not rush to judgement. Personally, I can tell you that I think I have done more than the "NORMAL" person or neighbor. Again, that is not to boast but only to convey that despite all of this or anything I may have done in the past....because I have more than enough love and resources to support 2 wives.....I will be judged harshly, without any regard for who I really am as a person..............

In closing, let me just say this.....before you judge us or any other Poly/Plural family get to know who we really are as people. Do not judge us by how many women with whom we have made a lifetime commitment. If you take to the time to understand or get to know us.....why we live the way we do or who we are as people, you might just come to understand that those labels don't fit. We aren't asking you to choose plural marriage for your own family. We aren't saying it's right for everyone, I do not want to choose what is right for your family and you should not choose what is right for mine. I will ask you to ponder these questions. Why does society say it okay for single males to go around and play the field? Why is it okay for some of those men to use women? Why is it okay for them to sleep with as many women as they please? Why is it okay for some of them to have children with women they have no intention of being honorable to... all because he was not responsible while performing the actions previously mentioned? Some of these men do not provide for these women or the children at all. But there are some who will even give kudos to these men for all of this or act like that is acceptable. Some of those same people will pass judgement or stick a label on me. We have an epidemic of single mothers having children without any Father to provide the emotional or financial support every child deserves. In our current society, it's okay for a man to sleep with hundreds of women. It's even applauded by some for a guy to have 'notches on his belt'...Why is that okay with our current society? Why do these guys get a pass and in some cases a pat on the back? Yet, someone like me who wants to make or has made a serious lifetime commitment to love and honor more than one wife is wrong? I provide for my wife and family, I will continue to do so. I will be able to support another wife and any future children as well. I do not use the welfare system, nor will I do so in the future. I do not condone such behavior at all! I'm also not looking for your approval, but I do not believe I deserve your judgement. So, please tell me why we are classified as horrible, heinous monsters?


  1. Let me start off by saying, I think it is great what you and your wife are doing, searching for another solulmate. I also think that our society is way too judgemental, but what we have to keep in mind is that, society has made judging almost apart of human nature, which I do not agree with, but it is what it is. My last and final question for you, and please do not take it the wrong way it is not my intention. I am just curious, would you be open to having your wife take another husband?

  2. Well done, Scott! You articulated what a lot of us practicing poly believe whole-heartedly.

    Congrats on the new blog--M has done a great job on the other one, but it is cool that you will be giving a male perspective as well.